Hi, just thought I would introduce myself and give my reasons for playing.

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SodyourAA SodyourAA
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Hi, just thought I would introduce myself and give my reasons for playing.

My poker journey started around 8 years ago in my local pub back when poker was everywhere.  I loved it, playing live and I won the first pub tourney I played, that then had me travelling from pub to pub playing just for fun but mainly as an excuse to drink :-)  
Online I never bothered about until a few years ago, I mainly played tourneys not cash online and that was mostly freerolls online.  I became ill, not physically but upstairs in my head, well when I say "became" it was always there from a young age, I just didn't know until I was diagnosed, they diagnosed BPD and things all started to make sense, bad childhood, the care system etc, you get the picture.   Many will think that diagnosis is Bi Polar, it's not its Borderline Personality Disorder which is more extreme, mood swings, compulsions you name it, my head does it.   Poker is probably not a game I would recommend to others with this illness but I liked it, in fact, I loved it, wasn't about the winning for me I am a losing player, poker was a way to pass time then it became more, it became a way for me to attempt to gain control over my emotions,  I still struggle, broken laptops, tv's etc you name it I've smashed it up in full on BPD rage, in my first roughly 3 years playing online I must have smashed at least 7 laptops off my wall, one was even put through a 60" tv that was only a few months old :-(    I gave up playing online for around a year or two,  it was just too costly when tilt hit,  when most people tilt they can walk away gather their thoughts and calm down, I couldn't that rage would grow and grow to the point of looking for things to smash and objects to shout and scream at, once the girl who lives downstairs even called the police on me at 4am as I took a hammer to a laptop over some bad beat, we all tilt but I just go to straight to level eleven missing out levels 2,3,4 etc, the police were understanding right enough, I wasn't arrested or anything, no actual complaint was made she was just worried about me, nice to have nice neighbours who understand your a bit on the whacky side of sanity lol.   Anyway, why poker for someone like me?    It's simple really, poker is a lot like life, we learn about ourselves when we play, every game is a lesson, you may not think you learned anything but you do, you just don't realise it.    For me it was about learning to control myself, not winning, that wasn't my main objective, for me it was about gaining some control over an otherwise uncontrollable mental illness, in that I've been somewhat successful.  I've been playing for a year or so, since coming back and it really has helped me, ok not financially it hasn't, but I haven't smashed up any laptops or TV's, I've stopped flinging things around though, instead I now just comment very rudely, fume for a bit, shout at a wall and get on with it,  sorry if you've been on the receiving end of my online poker rants and I do mean that it's something I'm working on and hope to eliminate completely, it's not nice for anyone including myself as I think how I would feel, then guilt sets in.  Given the progress, I've made with my many "issues" on the mental side of things I felt it was time to start taking poker a bit further, it's time I learned the maths etc, I kept reading about Blackrains book and thought, what the hell, it's £30 and it might just help.   Well I've watched the vids and see my many mistakes in cash 1/2c, I will probably never be ready for high stakes mentally my laptop is trembling at the thought,  I can, however, learn low stakes and increase my control over a very dominating mental illness.

Who knows, given my tantrums I could be the new and more volatile Phil, I hope I have his earnings along the way lol.


All the best folks, once again I apologise if you've been on the receiving end of my rants, if I ever become famous I'm sure screenshots will come back to haunt me, just remember it's an illness doing the talking, it takes over the person, it's reducing though only twice last week on over 5000 hands which is real progress for me.   It's not always about the cash and for me it certainly isn't yet, one day maybe, who knows?    I do know I love the game though and will be playing it for the rest of my life, I'm compulsive like that ;-)


I wish you all well, except at my table :-)

Thank you Blackrain for sharing this knowledge, I'm sure it will help with my win rate and with my journey to become a better more rounded non tantrum infested person.


SodyourAA




 
BlackRain79 BlackRain79
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Re: Hi, just thought I would introduce myself and give my reasons for playing.

Hi Sod,

Welcome to the forums! Also, I am glad that my poker advice has been helpful for you. It is excellent that you are so acutely aware of your mental game leaks as well and working on fixing them. This game drives us all a little (or a lot) crazy at times :)
Get my FREE poker ebook here.
SodyourAA SodyourAA
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Re: Hi, just thought I would introduce myself and give my reasons for playing.

Thanks BlackRain,  I've actually taken a step back from cash games for a bit and I'm currently enjoying and relaxing well into tournaments (micros), I find poker a great way at revealing/highlighting my personality flaws due to my disorder,  for me poker has done more than all the counselling sessions at forcing me to face the reality of them, there's no place to hide in a game of poker and mental strength is so much part of the game, I will always struggle with that battle.   After watching some of your vids, I've found my overall game naturally tighten up, I know your more cash game orientated but the advice from your vids has certainly improved my tournament play, not won any yet but I've made a final table and many many cashes,  I've not had to deposit this month :-o  the course has paid for itself already and I've still got more to watch, but I will take my time and absorb as much as I can over the next few months.     Really if I'm honest, I was trying to plug leaks on the Titanic,  I might just make some rakeback cash this month and my graph on tourneys seems to be going in a much nicer direction than it was with cash games, so the bankroll although still just under $100 now is way better than the $20 I started with last month.

I can certainly see why everyone is recommending your course.  

All the best

Sody
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